42 Responses to “Pinkcast 1.4: This chart will make you rethink parenting and leading”

  1. Jack Quarles says:

    Very useful matrix from Grit. “Demanding” had been a negative word in our house, so we’re replacing it with “Expecting Great Things”. Thanks Dan!

  2. pc says:

    Totally agree!

  3. Ian D Smith says:


    Love simple graphs to make a point. One thought, as the parent, manager, or teacher, there’s probably a responsibility for you to live up to this advice as well i.e. are you seen to be demanding a higher performance of yourself?



  4. David Antol says:

    Great stuff and can see it being useful in many situations. Like Jack’s “expecting great things.

  5. Kathryn Temple says:

    Helpful reminder, Dan. I’ve been talking about this in the classroom for about the past ten years: I tell the students up front that the course involves “rigorous, demanding intellectual work in a supportive environment.”

  6. Jim Dillon says:

    Very similar matrix to Edmondson’s Psychological safety/accountability in her book: Teaming

  7. Stjepan says:

    “Probably not that smart…” hahaha

  8. As usual, this Pinkcast offers a great description of a useful tool, including broad applications beyond parenting. Love this one!

  9. Great lesson! Simple, easy to apply, and it serves as a great “filter” for actions. This is GREAT! (I’m looking forward to getting this book.)

  10. Andrew Smith says:

    Pink and Duckworth: great combination!

  11. James Sprenger says:

    A good follow up to this Pinkcast is your(?) example to motivate your daughter to clean u her room. Can’t remember if I read it or heard you give the example.

  12. Jill Donahue says:

    Love it! Yes got me thinking – as did her book. I wrote a summary of my top 3 insights from it. You can find it here

    • Pam Burke says:

      Jill – thanks for sharing your summary – your own story about developing passion was also helpful!

  13. Great summary of a key finding in Angela’s book! Great explanation – vivid, clear, and fun.

  14. Doug Wood says:

    I am really enjoying this book on Though at 64, I am wondering how much “grit” I have left in me or if I want to expend the energy. It is a fascinating way to look at achievement and certainly works nicely with “Drive” and whole brain learning and doing. Her investigation onto the importance of “talent” has been excellent. Daniel, thanks for the tip on the book.

  15. Jeremy Walter says:

    So good, as always. As a financial advisor, I’ve put all 4 of the lessons in the Pinkcast to work with my clients already (1.1 rephrasing what they think they, or their best friend, should do with a given financial decision; 1.2 writing out the MIT i personally need to do that day; 1.3 explaining how investments work to clients; 1.4 how to encourage behavior modification with money habits.)

    Keep up the great work, Dan!

  16. Try nurturing and inspirational as opposed to supportive and demanding. One’s purpose as a parent (teacher / manager) is to create conditions for emergence of emotionally intelligent, intellectually creative, psychologically healthy persons, “evolutionary humans,” if you will, not children who have learned to play the obsolete games of a culture in which so much has gone haywire for so many.

  17. Kristof says:

    Hi Dan,

    Loving the Japanese cat in your closet (behind you). I have a similar one (from Tokyo) right here at home.

    Keep up the good work – you are doing a heck of a series – loving every second of it!

    Kind regards from Belgium

    Kristof Neirinck

  18. Brenda Benedict says:

    I’m reading Grit right now and using it in an online class I’m teaching for teachers called Dynamics of Student Motivation. I also use Drive in the class. This matrix has a definite application to the classroom.

  19. Peg says:

    I love the idea of bring character building to students. But I had an Ah, Ha moment during the podcast that we adults need to continuously review how well we are doing on our own character. And, to make adjustments. Angela Dunsworth’s work has been noted in a lot of programs. Thanks for the reminder.

  20. Dan,
    I love all of what you write and comment about. This one reminds me of Situational Leadership II by Ken Blanchard. His 2 axis are Supporting and Directing. Demanding would be sort of in the third dimension as every job is demanding. The beauty of Ken’s 2×2 is that every square makes sense and performs well, provided it is relevant to the degree of know-how, confidence and motivation of the employee or offspring for that matter. In a way his matrix would be like a zoom on the sweet spot you mentioned.
    I’ve trained hundreds of managers worldwide with it, people understand it, use it and it works !
    As for you Dan, since you are fully competent, confident and highly motivated in Pinkasting, if I were you boss, I’d give you some support and little direction by saying « keep-up the excellent work, you know where you’re going » and I’d ask you « how could you reach the whole world beyond your current mailing list ? ».

  21. Anssi says:

    I felt that sweet spot quadrant was vague. Of course everyone already knew that that was the sweet spot but I was expecting additional insight to that.

  22. Dan- This is a great matrix and definitely overlaps with People leadership — those managers who are “Results Oriented” and supportive have the most effective and happiest teams. Thanks for the insights.

  23. Mike says:

    Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.

    Before I had children I had 4 theories on child rearing. Now I have 4 children and no clue!

  24. Robert Lim says:

    It looks like being adapted from Paul Hersey / Ken Blanchard’s Situational Leadership. Very similar.

  25. Good one Dan. Wonderful book. I have done my review of the book and listeners might be interested in taking a peek here

  26. Christine Luketic says:

    Thank you for sharing your clipboard observations and this book. It certainly is an excellent reminder of how to strive to be bettter as a parent, and a human

  27. Kevin Lavey says:

    Thanks, Dan. I’m a teacher. Bought Duckworth’s book because I saw it on one of your email blasts. Loved your clipboard graphic. Your economical Pinkcasts are superb.

  28. William Buhidar says:

    Angela Duckworth has described great teachers and mentors in her matrix – demanding and supportive. Excellent!

  29. Ebnu says:

    Nicely said Dan, luv it and with by adolescent son, who is stepping in into adulthood, I think I will need to adopt this.

  30. B Furuta says:

    Consistent with Carole Dweck’s chapter on Parents, Teachers and Coaches: Where Mindsets come From

    p. 192 “Challenge and nurture” describes DeLay’s approach, too. One of her former students expressed it this way: “That is part of Miss DeLay’s genius—to put people in the frame of mind where they can do their best….Very few teachers can actually get you to your ultimate potential. Miss DeLay has that gift. She challenges you at the same time that you feel you are being nurtured.”

    • Miriam L. says:

      I’m glad you mentioned Carol Dweck – her work relates to the concepts in this podcast and Duckworth’s book which is on my list of books to read this fall. As a parent and Family and Consumer Science (formerly known as Home Ec) teacher of Child Psychology, this grid is one that I’ve been sharing with students and use in my parenting and teaching philosophy for years. Diana Baumrind, a child psychologist, should be also be mentioned since she defined the 3 main styles of parenting….permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative (wise).

  31. How does this translate to leadership of customers in a business context, I wonder? Is it possible that being demanding of customers (which I take to mean “having high expectations”), but supportive, is also the right approach?

  32. Lev Karasin says:

    Such an amazing book Angela does a fantastic job at explaining how hard work can make you grittier. How we can change our work to a calling, and how deliberate practice can make us better.
    Applies similar strategies as Simon Sinek as well as Cal Newport.

  33. SunKee says:

    Sounds good if you just label them that way, but I wouldn’t call the top right “Wise parenting”. Since you are still demanding, you’re likely going to be supportive of what you think is worth supporting; the piano lessons and biology classes because you want your kid to be a doctor who can play the piano. That chart neglects to show “Listening”. I think the best location would not be top-right, but top center. You should always be supportive, but instead of being demanding, let the child do their best in what they want to be good at.

  34. Floyd Burdett says:

    As a college student studying Early Childhood Development… I found a book one day called “How to Raise a Happy Puppy”
    Puppies see us as the ‘alpha dog’ … and they WANT our attention, and to please us!
    So… if they are ‘rewarded’ for good behavior — ‘love and affection’ is actually better than treats more of the time, but treats can be used for some cases — and get INSTANT disapproval for wrong and unaccepted behavior, they learn quickly the VALUE of good behavior! In the wild, wrong behavior CAN be quite severe! Because the lessons are often “Life or Death” and must be learned FAST! And many lessons are learned in very playful ways!
    This surprizingly parallels human learning!
    Even a newborn realizes it depends on ‘someone’ to provide for it…and that means it ‘gets what it wants’.
    As it begins to recognize its “Alphas” (Parents)and other providers, it learns behavior patterns. And IF it learns that Excessive crying gets a faster response — or as they get older, the response THEY want rather than the ‘alpha’ they will repeat that response time and again! But if they are rewarded for good behavior, they will respond THAT way over and over…! It gets more ‘complicated’ of course, as the child gets older, and must learn to ‘please’ multiple ‘alphas’ such as school teachers and others in authority. But the Principle remains the same…reward GOOD behavior including some approval and affection, and disapprove or even punish as appropriate, for BAD behavior! And denying them something they wanted works MUCH BETTER than physical response!
    “NO!” “STOP!” and “GOOD JOB!” will show your Child and your puppy what ‘works’ and what doesn’t …

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